Just In Case
by the charmed citlali
Summary: Letters were written before the big fight. Andrew plays postman
1. Searching for Something

I had an idea, ran with it again. 

  


Summary: The gang wrote letters to each other the night before the Big Fight. Andrew's the postman. 

  


Spoilers: None really. If you haven't seen "Chosen", you've been living under a giant rock.

  


Rating: Tame

  


Disclaimer: I don't own it. I just like to borrow. Joss is the King and I am just a lowly subject. 

  


**Just In Case**

  


Chapter One: **Searching For Something**

  


Andrew picked up a torn bag and threw it over his shoulder. He had to find it. He just had to. He hid it in the bus before the Big Fight, just in case he didn't make it. He found it ironic that everyone gave him their letters to their friends and loved ones when he thought for sure he'd be the last one to survive. They didn't know they had all written just-in-case-I-don't-make-it letters to each other. Andrew had taken all the letters and put them inside a magically protected silver case then before the fight he put it on the getaway bus. Now he was looking for it so he could give the letters to the right people. 

Anya had been the first to give him a letter. "Listen to me," she had said, "Andrew, if I die, I want you to give this to Xander, okay?"

Andrew took the letter, "But what if I die?" 

"It won't matter because I'll still be alive," she told him.

"But what if both of us die?" Andrew asked.

Anya frowned, then shook her head, "No, one of us will make it. Okay? Whether it be you or me, one of us will live."

So, Andrew had taken the letter and put it in the case. He needed to find that stupid case so he could give Xander and Buffy their letters. He rummaged through more junk, mostly clothes, and other debris. "Ah ha!" he cried when he spied a silver glint underneath a pair of jeans. He grabbed the case and opened it by chanting a spell he had cast over it. He smiled, all the letters were still there.

Andrew thumbed through all the letters. He knew he was only supposed to give the ones of the people who died, but what was he supposed to do with the rest? There were nearly fifteen letters. He debated on reading them, but he didn't. He grabbed one and stuck it inside his pocket, shut the case and took off to deliver the letters. 

  



	2. Anya's Letter

Chapter Two: **Anya's Letter**

  


Dear Xander, 

Don't think that just because I'm writing to you on nice stationary that I've sprayed with perfume because I saw it in a romantic movie means I want to get back together with you. I'm just doing this to tell you something just in case I don't make it tomorrow. Don't read too much into it. 

  


I'm mad at you Xander. I'm mad at you for leaving me at the altar of course you already knew that but still. And I'm mad at you for losing your eye, even though it really wasn't your fault, you should've known better than to fight a psychotic preacher. But most of all I'm mad at you for loving me. If that even makes sense. Why did you love me? You weren't supposed to love me Xander. I wasn't supposed to fall in love. It's your stupid fault I'm human anyway. And now I'm feeling all these feelings and I don't like it. I'm angry, and I'm confused, and I'm scared. I'm really, really scared and I don't like it. I don't know what to do. But what I do know, is that I love you Xander Harris. Even after everything you've done to me, I sill love you. Damnit.

  


You know, none of this would've happened if you had just married me. I guess you were right though. Not to go through with it. But I had these great wedding vows where I was gonna tell you how you taught me to love again and that I'd be your sex poodle. But I guess that'll never happen. I'll tell you something, I was ready to run that day too. For a moment I wanted out. But then I thought of how you gave me this warm feeling deep inside me and how from that day on every time I looked at you, I'd get that warm feeling and I was okay. I really wish you would've felt that too.

  


So there, Xander. Congratulations, I still love you. I'm mad at you but I still love you. I hope that we both make it through this apocalypse. I hope Buffy has a really huge trick up her sleeve so that I'll be able to see you again. Maybe you'll ask me to marry you again. That was a joke. I'd say yes though, just FYI.

I Love You 

With all my Heart 

  


Just Love,

**Anya**

  


Xander squeezed his eye shut. A tear leaked out and Andrew let his own tears flow. He looked over at the blubbering kid. "Thank you, Andrew," he said.

Andrew just whimpered and nodded. "She really loved you."

"I know."

They sat in silence and Xander crumpled the letter into a ball and threw it into a wastebasket. "Why'd you do that?" Andrew asked wildly retrieving it from the garbage.

"Put it back, Andrew," Xander told him.

"But..."

"Put. It. Back," Xander said firmly.

Andrew did so then shook his head angrily, "You're just rejecting her love like that? How could you? Anya was really upset because she thought she was gonna die and never see you again. And now she's dead."

Xander studied the boy's angry face "I know. And I'm not rejecting her love, I'd never do that. But I can't dwell on what would have been, it hurts too much. I know now how she felt and she does to."

"How do you know?"

Xander shrugged and looked up, "I just do."


	3. Xander's Letters

Chapter Three: **Xander's Letters**

  


Willow,

  


My Willow. You are mine. You know that right? I don't care how many girlfriends you have or how many demons I attract, you'll always be my Willow. I don't think you have any idea just how much I love you. I think that if I love you anymore, I'll burst into a million Xander pieces, and that'll be a huge mess to clean up. I love you from Crayon Break-y Willow to Scary Veiny Willow. You know all my dirty little secrets and I know all of yours. We're one Willow. Me and you, we're a package deal. Buy the cute redhead get the butt-monkey for free. 

  


If something happens I wanted you to know that I love you. I don't mean to get all deep and negative but yeah, you know me. I just didn't want to die without you knowing that. 

  


Do you remember the day before sophomore year? I told you that this would be the year that everything changed and you asked "how so?" Do you remember what I said next? I said, "I dunno, but it was pretty profound, huh?" You laughed and said, "I think you're right, Xander. I feel a change in the wind." Then we met Buffy and life has never been the same. And as long as I have both of you in my life I'll never have to worry about that again. 

So, in case I don't get to tell you. I Love You.

**Xander**

  


Dear Buffy, 

I've been on a roll with these letters and decided to write yours now. It's kinda melodramatic, this letter-writing business , but since I'm being all reflective. 

I've loved you since the moment I saw you. Of course I think it was my raging teenage hormones than actually love. It's funny after I saved your life, I knew that nothing would ever happen between us. I just knew we'd never be boyfriend and girlfriend and I was okay with that because I was much more happy with you just being my bestest friend. I respect you so much. Even when you were with Angel and... Spike. I was proud to have a friend like you. 

I know I've been closed minded in the past. But that's only because I want my girls to have the best. Nothing but the best for the loves of my pathetic life. You are Buffy, you and Willow are the Loves of my Life. All I want to do is protect you, even though I'm the weaker of the three. I'll die to protect you two. So, if any thing happens and I'm not able to protect you anymore, I 'll always watch over you. Maybe I'll haunt you guys. That'd be fun. 

Love

**Xander**

  


Dear Anya, 

  


Forgive my bad penmanship. I'm having trouble keeping the words on the lines. I'm not really good at putting words to paper. I'm not even good at putting words into coherent sentences so that my brain can send the message to my mouth. And we all know the consequences when that happens. 

  


I should've married you Anya. I know that now. I should've done a lot of things in my life but that's probably the one I wish I did the most. I'm so sorry. I was scared. That's all I've ever been, afraid. Afraid of rejection, afraid, of demons and monsters, and most of all, afraid of love. I was afraid to love you because every time I saw love it always resulted in terrible pain, and I didn't want to be the one to cause you pain. But I ended up hurting you anyway. 

  


No matter what happens, I want you to know that I love you. If I die, and I'm already down an eye so I have a head start on all of you, I want you to take care of them. They like you Anya, they really do, and I know you like them so I need you to watch over them if I can't. I love you. And hey if I don't die, maybe I'll propose. That was a joke. But I still have your ring. 

Love

**Xander**

  


Xander set the letter down on the ground next to the gravestone. He, Andrew, Dawn, Giles, Willow, and Buffy were standing in a green cemetery outside of where Sunnydale had been. The tombstone simply read: _Anya Beloved Friend and Sex Poodle_

__"I still can't believe you put 'sex poodle' on a headstone," Willow commented.

"It's quite... uh unique," Giles said taking off his glasses and cleaning them. 

"I dunno, it makes sense," Buffy said, Dawn nodded in agreement.

Xander stood up and let out a shaky sigh, "All right. Let's go."

"Shouldn't we say something?" Andrew asked.

"No, I think this is good," Xander said. He put his arms around Buffy and Willow. "This is good," they smiled up at him. They all walked away.


	4. Dawn's Letter

  


Chapter Four: **Dawn's Letter**

  


Dear Buffy,

I have to write you just in case. I don't want to because it's too much like a good-bye and I don't want to say good-bye. I don't even know what to write other than the obvious, if I die I want you to know I love you. I guess, thank you. Thank you for being my sister, for being the slayer, thank you for being you. I really hope you don't die on me, because I don't think we can bring you back again. But if I die, I want you to keep on living. You wanted me to live for you, so I want you to live for me. Be everything you are and everything you want to be, because I love you.

  


I'm really sorry for being such a pain in the ass too. I understand a lot more now. I understand what you went through before I came along, even though it was like I've always been here. I understand why you were with Spike, and I really wish you guys would've worked out. That would've been kinda cool. I understand me now. I know my place now. With you. With Willow and Xander and Giles and Spike and even Anya. I have a great family and I wouldn't trade it for the world. 

Love Always,

Dawn 


	5. Willow's Letters

Chapter Five: **Willow's Letters**

  


(Thank you to my first two reviewers, Nikki and Draco's Secret Lover. Buffy and Spike's letters will be coming soon.) 

  


Dear Buffy,

  


What do I say to the Slayer? To my best friend? I'm scared Buffy. I don't know if I can do what you've asked. But I'll try my best, because you asked me. I know I haven't really been all that here, lately. I guess none of us really have. I'm sorry Buffy. For everything I've done. I know you've already said you've forgiven me, but I don't think I'll ever stop feeling sorry. It's just something I have to live with. 

But I want you to know how much I love you. And that you're my best friend. I can And now I can't remember I time when I wasn't running from vampires and averting apocalypses. Or causing them. Ha ha ha. 

  


Thank you for being my friend when it was bad for your new reputation, thank you for giving me guy advice (though I guess it really didn't help much), thank you for protecting me and protecting Xander, thank you for saving the world, thank you for putting up with me, thank you for being you. 

So just in case all the power goes to my head tomorrow and I don't get the job done I have to tell you. Buffy Anne Summers, you are my best friend and I love you more than you will ever know.

**Willow**

  


  


Dear Xander, 

I'm already crying and I've barely written "Dear Xander". I've loved you all my life, and my love for you will never stop even after death. Okay, that sounded morbid. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I'll never stop loving you. No matter how many girlfriends I have or how many demons you attract (kidding), I'm always going to love you. You are my first love, and my forever love. 

  


We've been through everything together. Remember when we were just ordinary kids? Yeah, I don't much either. The day before we met Buffy you said something that's stuck with me. You said, "Willow, I think this is the year that everything changes." I'm so glad that it did. For better and for worse, it changed. I never want to look back and say, "I wish things had never changed." And I won't, as long as I have you and Buffy.

  


You saved me with your love, Xander. You were the only one who could do that. The only one who would do that. You're more special than you think. 

And don't do anything stupid and heroic tomorrow. I don't wanna lose any more of you. 

I Love You Too Much For Words To Describe **Willow**

  


Tara, 

  


I'm not sure why I'm writing to you. It's kind of silly, what with you being dead and all. (Fake laugh). But I do know, it's something I need to do. Not to clear my conscience but to maybe find peace. Because, I need you so much, baby. I don't think I can do this alone. Buffy, she's asking me to do this huge thing, and I'm not so sure I can. It's a whole mess of power that I don't ever want to tap into again. I don't want to go to the bad place again, and I'm so afraid that I will. 

I wish to Goddess you were here. You'd be the voice of reason here. Things have been so bad since you've been gone. So bad. You're probably watching all of this with your beautiful concerned eyes upset and worried, or maybe even yelling at all of us. Maybe we wouldn't have done so many wrong things, maybe none of this would've happened if you were here. You were... are so good. You're the light, and I need that. We all do.

  


I have to tell you about Kennedy. She's a sweet girl, kind of. She's the complete opposite of you. She's not you. I don't know if I'm in love with her, yet. I think I could be. But I don't wanna let you go. Can I be in love with two people, even if one isn't here? I guess not. That'd be like, having my cake and eating it too. 

Why haven't you come to me? Is it because of what I did? I killed people, I used dark magicks, and I was stripped of my right to see you again? I know the First was playing mind games with me. But you're so good, and light, and pure. I took that all for granted. I haven't even dreamt of you and I thought even in the dream world I'd be able to feel you. But I can't. 

  


God, Tara, I can't do this. I just can't. I tapped into great power before I even learned to float a pencil and now I'm supposed to invoke the essence of this wicked-looking scythe to help Buffy. I don't think I can, not without you. So, I guess I'm asking for a favor. Can you keep me grounded tomorrow? Can you just be there, somewhere? Not to intervene, but to remind me of the light. Help me not to touch the bad place. I can't go there again. I can't lose everything again. I need you there, just in case. 

I Love You So Much

**Willow**

  


  


"What are you doing?" Willow asked walking into her room

"Willow!" Kennedy squeaked as she tried to hide what she had been reading.'

"What's that?" Willow asked.

Kennedy guiltily looked away. "Oh, just a letter I found."

"From who?"

"You?"

"What?"

Kennedy sighed. "Look, I found Andrew sniffing around in here. He wanted to give you something, so I told him to leave it on your dresser. Curiosity got the best of me and I read it."

"So, you read something personal that I wrote to someone?" Willow said. "Have to say, you're not much for respecting privacy."

"Oh, not just someone. Your ex-girlfriend," Kennedy said.

Willow's eyes flashed. "You read my letter to Tara! How dare you!" 

"How dare me? What about you? It's nice to know that you think so highly of me," she said. 

"Well, I kind of did until just recently. Jeez, Kennedy, what's wrong with you?"

"Me? I'm not the one writing to my deceased girlfriend."

Willow took a step back. Then slapped Kennedy. The dark haired girl turned white as she held her cheek. Willow's resolve face was set. "You are never ever to say anything about her," She said through clenched teeth. 

"That's just fine," Kennedy said coolly. 

"Good."

They didn't say anything to each other. Willow forced down her anger. "I'm sorry."

"No, I am. I shouldn't have read that letter," Kennedy said.

"You're damn right you shouldn't have," Willow said her voice raised. Then she quieted. "And you shouldn't get jealous of Tara."

"I'm not. It's just... I thought I was your kite string." kennedy pouted.

"You are," Willow said.

"Did I... keep you grounded that day?" 

Willow looked away, hiding her eyes. "You want the truth?"

"Always."

Willow looked up into Kennedy's eyes. "No."

Kennedy's face pained. "Oh."

Willow sighed. "You wanted the truth."

"I know."

The room filled with a heavy air. "Did I hurt you?"

"Yes."

"I meant when I slapped you."

Kennedy shook her head. "Nah. Slayer strength, remember?"

"Are you going to be okay?"

"I don't know," Kennedy said getting up and walking out of the room. She didn't look back at Willow. The red haired witch picked up the pieces of paper on her bed and started sobbing. 

  



	6. Giles' Letter

Chapter Six: **Giles' Letter**

  


Oh, I don't know how to even begin this. I'll start by saying that it's been a pleasure and a privilege to know such extraordinary young people, such as yourselves. Now, that I got the stuffy, British man out, as you all like to call me, I suppose I can get emotional.

You've all been such an important part of my life. Where I thought I was supposed to teach you, you all have taught me. I've learned valuable lessons from each one of you. 

  


Willow. My dear sweet girl. You have come so far from the shy 'geek', as you call yourself. I wish I could've helped you advance in your powers, but deep down I knew you could take care of it. You'll always be the one I trust most to keep a level head. Even though recent happenings may make you think otherwise. You've become a powerful witch, and an even stronger person. Never ever underestimate yourself, again. You're a far better person now. Thank you, Willow.

  


I can't say enough about you Xander. You're mindless, brash, a great pain in the neck at times, and tiresome. And you are a good boy, with a good heart, who thinks of his friends first and won't let anything stop him from protecting them, even though he believes himself to be the weakest in the group. You've kept me from becoming overly pompous, kept Buffy from dying, and kept Willow from destroying the world. Thank you, Xander.

  


I have no more to teach you, no more thoughts of wisdom to impose on you, nothing more to give you. I always believed you could take care of yourself, but I'm glad you let me have the chance to take care of you at times. From the moment I met you, I knew you were different from any other slayers before. I don't think there isn't anything you can't do. That's why I don't think we'll die tomorrow. But you're more than just The Slayer, you've proven that to me time and again. I've watched you evolve from a reckless young girl into a responsible young woman, an adult. You are the daughter I never had, but wish I did. Thank You, Buffy.

Thank you all. I love you all. 

Rupert Giles

  


(Thank you all so much for the reviews. Buffy and Spike's letters will be posted ASAP. I just have some editing to do.)


	7. Buffy's Letters

Chapter Seven: **Buffy's Letters**

Dear Willow, Dawn and Xander,

  


I have to write your guys' letter together because I might not have enough time to write one for each of you.

  


Willow. You've been my best friend ever since I came here. You've never ceased to amaze me and help me. I asked a lot of you, and now I'm doing it again. I wish I was able to help you when you needed it. I'm so sorry I didn't. I hid behind being the slayer, and you're the only one who ever knows me. I know you feel bad for whatever you did in the past. But, you don't need my forgiveness. You're my best friend and no matter what happens between us, we'll always be best friends.

  


Xander, I can honestly say that if you weren't in my life, I wouldn't laugh as much, or at all. I may be a big hero type, Chosen One, sacred birthright, yada yada, but you, oh Xander, you are my hero. It was you who brought me back to life seven years ago, you, not Angel, not Spike, not Riley. You're the love of my life Xander, nothing can ever change that. I'm so honored to have you as my best friend.

  


I know you don't want to hear this, but I'm going to write it anyways. I love you Dawn. Not because I have to, but because I want to. If I truly believed that you're nothing but a ball of energy and some crazy monks turned you into a human and sent you to me, I still wouldn't have let Glory kill you. You're my sister, you're me and I'm you. All those fake memories we have, mean as much as real memories, and we've already made so many new memories. If you ever, ever doubt that we aren't sisters, remember that there's no possible way we can hate and love each other like we do. 

  


My being the slayer doesn't matter to you all. With you all I'm Buffy Summers, Best Friend and Big Sister. I've carried the burden of being the Slayer like it was a curse. But it wasn't, it was a gift. A wonderful gift. Because if I never became the slayer, none of you would be in my life. So, just in case I don't make it tomorrow, 'cause let's face it, apocalypse=good chance that Buffy may die, keep living, because you know how short life is.

I Love You All 

**Buffy**

  


  


Dear Giles,

  


There's not much to say, I guess. Thank you. Thank you for being my Watcher, and teaching me so much. I know you think I don't listen to you, but that little voice in the back of my head, the one that says "Be Careful, Buffy," that voice, it sounds a lot like you. 

  


I know you think I'm reckless and headstrong, and stuff, but you've always been there to ground me, to remind me of who I was, and what I was supposed to be doing. And I don't think that was just Watcher-Giles talking. 

  


You're more than just a Watcher and a friend. You teach me, you scold me, you help me, you yell at me, and that's all something a father does. You've been my father, Giles. You put up with the boy talk, and the girl talk, and all the things in between. So, thank you so much, for being my father.

  


Love, **Buffy**

  



	8. Talking About It

Chapter Eight: **Talking About It**

"Andrew!" Buffy screamed when she saw him in her room.

"I-I'm sorry," he stuttered trying not to look right at her. She had just come out of the shower and was wearing nothing but a white towel. 

"What do you want?" She demanded. 

"Oh, here," he opened his case and gave her a stack of about five letters. She took them.

"Is that it?"

"Oh, when you're done with those I have one more. But you have to read those first," he said. She raised her eyebrows and he sheepishly took out the other letter. Before he placed it in her hand, he said, "But, read it last." And he left. 

She flipped through the letters. Each had her name scrawled out in it's sender's unique handwriting. She recognized Willow's, Dawn's, Xander's and Giles'. But there was one she didn't recognize, but knew who's it was. The one Andrew had given her with a warning. The annoying kid probably had a good reason for telling her to read it last. So, she set it aside and settled back onto her bed, and tore open the first letter.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

  


Buffy walked into the living room of the new home she shared with Dawn, Willow, Xander and Andrew. Willow was crying on the couch as she sheepishly hid a letter. "Will?" 

"Yeah?" Willow attempted to smile even though her nose and eyes were red. 

"Did you, uh...," Buffy fumbled with the letter that was in her jacket pocket. "see if Dawn needed to be picked up from school" she said rushed.

"It's Saturday," Willow told her. "And it's summer."

"Oh, right." They didn't meet each other's eyes. Xander strolled in whistling, but stopped when he saw the two girls. 

"Uh..." 

The three friends didn't look at each other. Xander broke the ice. "How about those Mets?"

"Huh?" the girls stared at him, then burst into laughter. When they were all done laughing, Buffy said, "I guess Andrew's been playing letter-deliverer."

Willow sighed, "Guess so."

"We need to get the boy a less annoying hobby," Xander said.

The girl's nodded in agreement. But why'd he give us the letters we wrote to each other in case we died. We didn't die." Willow pointed out.

"I'm not sure," Buffy said.

"Maybe," Xander said thoughtfully. "In his own, sick, demented, Star Wars-addled brain, he thought it'd be good for us to read them. Remind us of why we're still friends." 

Buffy looked down at the floor, then back up at Willow and Xander. "I love you."

"I love you too," Willow said reaching out to Buffy.

"I love you three," Xander said as he pulled the girls into his arms. 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

  


After the tear-filled hugfest in the living room, Buffy decided to talk to Dawn. She found her sister in her small room. "Dawn?" Buffy asked knocking lightly.

"Yeah?" 

Buffy walked into a demolition area. "I hope you're cleaning," Buffy said eyeing the mess. Clothes were strewn from one end to the other. Shoes littered the floor, and the bed wasn't made. 

Dawn sighed, "I'm trying to decide what I still fit in. That way I have more space for when I go back to school shopping."

"Oh," Buffy bent down and picked up a short, black halter dress. "What is this? Left over from your sticky fingers days? This is way too slutty for you."

Dawn rolled her eyes, "It's yours, Buffy."

Buffy reddened, "Well, I'm a slut." She folded it and set it in her lap as she sat on Dawn's bed. "Can I talk to you?"

"Go for it," Dawn said from inside her closet. 

Buffy reached into her pocket and pulled out a paper. "I read this."

"What?" Dawn stuck her head out of her closet. "You weren't supposed to."

"Yeah, well, Andrew's been pulling a Kevin Costner all day," Buffy sighed. "It was really sweet."

"Andrew was supposed to give it to you in case something... happened to me."

"Yeah, I figured."

"Did I make you cry?"

"Yes."

"Good."

Buffy laughed. "Dawn, you know..."

Dawn shook her head, "Don't. I really don't want to hear it."

"Okay." The sisters were silent for a few minutes. "Do you want some pizza?"

"Sure, pepperoni."

"I'll go order it," Buffy stood up and before she closed the door Dawn hugged her from behind. 

"I love you."

"I love you more."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

  


Buffy dried her eyes after leaving Dawn's room. She went into the kitchen to order the promised pizza. She stopped when she saw Giles sitting at the counter, drinking tea.

"Oh, Buffy," Giles set his cup down. "IS something wrong?"

"What?" Buffy said confused, but then she remembered her red eyes. "Oh, yeah. I just talked to Dawn."

"Is she all right?"

"Yeah, just a sister talk," Buffy said. She picked up the phone, hesitating before dialing. She turned back to Giles, "Have you talked to Andrew?"

"Yes," Giles sipped his mug. "Then Willow and Xander came in here blubbering like idiots."

"We had a little cry-fest too." Slayer and Watcher were quiet for a few moments. "Giles."

"hmm?"

"I meant what I wrote."

The older man smiled, "So did I."

Buffy smiled back. "Do you want some pizza?"

Giles groaned. "I suppose that was Dawn's suggestion."

"Yep."

"Fine. Pepperoni."

"Hey, Buffster, G-man, what's happening?" Xander asked as he and Willow entered the room.

"Xander, I have asked you repeatedly not to call me that," Giles said exasperated. 

"We're ordering pizza. You guys want?" Buffy told them.

"Ooh! Can we get pepperoni?" Willow's eyes lit up.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

  



	9. Spike's Letter

Chapter Nine: **Spike's Letter**

(Here it is. One of the ones you've all been waiting for. Enjoy it, because it was really hard to write. I kept wanting to cry. And I don't cry easily) 

Buffy,

I'm going to tell you write now, it's not going to be easy to write this, because I just saw you snogging with tall, dark, and forehead. But I have to write to you, just in case I don't get to tell you a few things tomorrow. 

  


First, the obvious. I Love You. With all my being, I love you. I don't know why and I don't really care. The only thing I've ever been sure about is you and my love for you. And no matter what you've said to me in the past, it's the one thing I've always known.

  


How is it that we love, Buffy? How do we love? I'll tell you how I do. I love with a blind passion, I dive in head first, not thinking of the consequences, until they come back and bite me in the ass. I love you with every fiber, everything that I have, and everything I wish I did have. I confessed my love for you at the wrong time. That was little Spike thinking then. I was in love with you everyday after that, but the first time I realized I was truly, deeply, madly in love with you was the day you died. I saw your lifeless, broken body lying there devoid of the light, the spirit that you possess, I died. It was then I knew that I had never, and could never feel like that. I didn't feel anything. Nothing, because the one person who made me feel like anything other than a monster, was gone. 

I took care of Dawn for you, and for me. She was a little part of you, and she reminded me of you, and it hurt. Your friends repaired my Buffybot, and I couldn't look at her, at you, because that thing didn't have what you have. Then you came back, they brought you back. When I saw you in that moment, everything else faded away and all I saw was beauty and light and love. I saw you. And in that moment I understood love.

  


I don't know what's making me think back to my Sunday School days, but I remembered something the priest said once._ "For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world, and loses his own soul?"_

  


I don't know the answer to the question above. Doesn't really apply to me because I'm not a man. But since you make me feel like one. I ponder it. I thought I had everything figured out, I'm a cocky bastard, and if someone would've asked me that question five years ago, I would've said "Don't care. Don't have a soul." But that same question, asked to me a year ago, I would've thought about it instead. Now, I am not a righteous man. I'm not even a man. I've done and seen things that you would hate me for, but believe me when I tell you I have changed and it was because of you. I know you've seen it, too, otherwise you would've ripped this letter to shreds.

  


It's funny I'm remembering all these quotes from the Bible. Must've been that deranged preacher. In the Bible, after that question, there is another. _"Or what will a man give in exchange for his soul?"_ Now, that I know the answer to. At least, my answer, would be everything. I gave everything, the existence I knew for over a hundred and twenty-five years, for my soul. For you. So I could be better for you. But I'd give up my soul in half a heartbeat, if it meant saving you. Because at least I had a few moments clarity, so that I could forgive myself. I haven't fully forgiven myself yet.

So, if you're still reading this letter, I didn't make it. I asked the boy to give this letter to you just in case. And I didn't make it because this time I was the one supposed to save the world. This time, it's either gonna be me or you, and I will not have it be you. Damn the Powers That Be, making it so that we can't be together. 

  


Do you remember when I told you that I saved you in my dreams every night after you died? Do you remember? I hope I saved you. I hope I saved everyone. I'll tell you something, love, you saved me. I don't know how many times there've been where you could've just let me die or stake me. You should've but you didn't. You saved me.

  


You are my soul. You gave me one before I even went to Africa. After everything we've done to each other, everything I've done to you, we're both still here. I think that means something. Will it mean something later? Or something now? I wish you were here so I could tell you all this myself. You'll know soon enough. I love you. You know that. And, Buffy, I've always known.

  


****Love** Spike**

Love** William **

  



	10. Crying

  


Chapter Ten: **Crying**

(Oh, I'm so glad you all liked that letter. It actually pained me to write it. Well, here's some more. Also, I've gotten a few requests for an Andrew letter. I think that's a great idea. I'll try and come up with something Andrew-like.)

  


Buffy curled herself into a ball on her bed. She had stopped sobbing finally. She was just making those tiny, puppy dog, whimpering noises every time she breathed. She hated feeling like this. It wasn't Spike, either, who had made her feel like this. Well, his letter had a little something to do with it, but it was mostly her. She had cried over the letter, of course. His beautiful words to her made her cry, made her feel worse than she had ever felt in her entire life. His soul-baring sentences, profession of love for her forever, and the harsh fact that he didn't believe how she felt. 

She wanted to die. Again. She felt like death. Her stomach was in knots, her head throbbed, her eyes were swollen and her nose was all booger-y, gross! She reached for a kleenex box but her hand fell upon the letter. She grasped the thin paper with his fine writing and brought it to her chest. She squeezed her eyes shut. 'You're not going to cry, You're not going to cry, You're not going to cry,' she told herself as two lone tears leaked out. The floodgates reopened, and the dam broke. 

Buffy squirmed on the bed. Why was she crying so damn much? It was just a stupid letter. A stupid, dumb, incredibly poetic and soul-baring letter that Spike had wrote her. He wrote it to her after he saw her kissing Angel in the temple. She didn't deserve him. Well, she did, but she definitely didn't deserve to be written such beautiful words to. 

She wiped her eyes, and tried focusing on the paper. "Damnit Spike," she said and began blubbering once more. Then something made her think. IT was a noise. In the kitchen. The clattering of pots and pans. Andrew. 

"Andrew!" Buffy roared. Andrew was standing in the kitchen stirring a saucepan. His ears perked up when he heard the angry slayer yell his voice. He didn't have time to run before she burst into the room. "You! What'd you do with my letter to Spike?!"

Andrew cowered into a corner, holding his wooden spoon up like a shield. "Wha-what le-letter?"

"Don't play dumb with me, geek-boy. Where is it?"

Andrew edged away. "I uh... sent it to Ane..gel ..." his voice was inaudible by the end of his sentence. 

"YOU SENT IT TO ANGEL!" Buffy exploded. 

Andrew cringed, he forgot about the super-slayer hearing. "Uh... yeah."

Buffy breathed heavily. "Why... would... you DO THAT!?" 

The boy shrugged sheepishly. "Because that's where Spike is."

"Where Spike is..." Buffy shook her head. "Spike is dead."

"Uh, actually, not so much. Seems that Giles heard from Angel that Spike came back from the dead because that amulet he wore invoked a prophecy called Shanshu," Andrew explained.

Buffy sat on a stool. Her jaw was dropped open and she struggled to comprehend what Andrew had just told her. "How do you know this?"

"I was cleaning the phone receiver," was his excuse. 

Buffy nodded, not paying attention. "That's nice. Where's Giles?"

"He went to the store with uh... Dawn and Xander."

"Okay," Buffy's voice was strange as she got up, started to the living room then walked outside without closing the door. 

"Buffy?" Andrew called out to her. The pot on the stove started to boil over. "My spaghetti sauce!" 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

  


Giles, Dawn and Xander got home after their trip to the grocery store. They put down the bags on the counter.

"Hi Andrew," Dawn greeted eating an opened bag of Oreo cookies. 

"Nice apron, Mrs. Child," Xander said.

"Thank you, Xander," Andrew said appreciatively, not realized the sarcasm. "Did you remember to pick up my capers?"

"Here you go," Giles said fishing out the jar and handing them to Andrew. "Excellent. These will finish off my fried mozzerella," Andrew said busying himself with dinner. 

"Fried mozzerella?" Dawn asked.

Andrew nodded. "Yep. I'm making an italien feast. Spaghetti with meat sauce, a salad, bruschetta, and for the hors d'oevers, fried mozzerella with anchovies."

Andrew had Xander up till anchovies, the brunette gagged and Dawn just rolled her eyes at her brother figure. Giles ignored the young people's conversation. He removed his jacket. "Where's Buffy?"

Andrew didn't look at him, "She's in her room, I think." He decided against telling the Watcher about his little confession to the Slayer. 

"Right then," Giles said ascending the stairs. Buffy's room was the last down the hall. "Buffy?" Giles knocked at her door. "Are you in..." he entered a dark room. "here." He felt for the light switch but the light didn't turn on. "Buffy?" He looked around the room. There, in the corner was Buffy. He rushed to her side. "Dear Lord, are you all right?" 

Buffy made no attempt to acknowledge the man at her side. She stared off into space with that vacant expression he had seen on her only once before. When Glory had captured Dawn. Giles shook her lightly, "Buffy..." No reaction. Giles sighed. She was catatonic again. What had happened? He looked around the dim room, and on the bed was a few pieces of paper. Giles picked them up and skimmed the words over. In an instant he knew who the writer was. "Oh, Buffy," Giles settled next to her. "I'm so sorry."

Buffy made her first movement, she buried her head down in his lap and started shaking. Giles, surprised, but not, he cradled his surrogate daughter in his arms, stroking her hair and letting her weep all over his sweater. "I..." her voice vibrato between sobs, "just... feel... so... bad..." she let out a shuddering gasp and began to sob again. 

"Shh, it's all right. It's all right," Giles told her. "It's not your fault."

She looked up at him bloodshot eyes, tears streaked across her cheeks. "But... it is. I loved him and he didn't believe me." She growled angrily. "He sent my letter to Spike to Angel. He said that Spike was alive and that you knew." Her face hardened. "You knew?"

Giles eyes were downcast. "Yes."

"How long?

"Angel phoned me about a month ago."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

Giles sighed, "I was. When the time was right."

Buffy stood up quickly. "I have to go to him, Giles. I have to see him."

"Buffy, I don't think that's a good idea," he said, regretting the words as they rolled out of his mouth. His slayer would surely yell at him, claiming to have no right to an opinion about Spike because of past actions. Instead, she looked as if she would start crying all over again. 

Buffy knew Giles was right. It wasn't a good idea. It would just hurt more, but that's what their relationship had been all about. Hurt, Pain, Denial, Trust, Love. Love. She had to see him. "Giles..." 

Giles nodded, he smiled his kind smile he generally reserved for her. "Get packed. I'll book the tickets."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

  


(Was that ending too dull? Should I have made with the yelling and grudges? I dunno, it just seemed like and okay ending. Should it be better?)

  



	11. I Love You

Chapter Eleven: **I Love You**

(Here's the other letter you've all been waiting for. This wasn't as tough to write. But, it still stung.)

  


Spike, 

To tell you the truth I don't what to write. I don't even wanna write to you, but I have to. It's funny how everything we've been through is coming to a head, and I'm completely calm. Not us, I'm talking about the gang. And we've been through so much together and I can't think of anything poignant to say. Now, I'm talking about us.

  


Right now, I'm watching you sleep. You look so cute when you sleep. Don't worry, I won't tell anyone. What are you dreaming about? You're mumbling and your eyes are moving beneath your eyelids. God, you have long lashes.

I've never done that before, just watch you. You've always been the one watching me. Think I didn't know about that? I could feel you. At first, it was creepy, stalker-y weirdness. But after awhile, it made me feel safe, then loved. I knew as long as you were watching me I was gonna be okay. A slayer feeling safe with a vampire. You're the only one who's ever made me feel that. I knew that you were always going to be there. You made me feel, Spike. And I can never thank you enough for doing that for me. 

  


Then you left. It was a good thing too, because if you didn't, you would've ended up a big pile of dust. But surprisingly, I don't think it would've been my doing. Even after what you did, I didn't want you to go. If you went, I wasn't going to feel safe anymore. But you did, and you came back with your soul. How did you do that? It couldn't have just been for me. I don't care what you say, because you needed it just as much. I never needed you to have a soul to care about you. I did that anyway, as much as I denied it to myself. I saw the pain in your eyes after what you had tried to do to me. I knew how much you loved me. Yeah, you made a mistake, a stupid, evil, disgusting mistake. But who of us haven't? I shouldn't have singled you out just because you weren't human. Sometimes, you were more human than we were. 

  


You saw what having a soul did to Angel, why did you do it to yourself? And as I watch you sleep, I know it. The spark. You thought you didn't have it. You thought you couldn't give it to me, but you did. From the moment I came back from heaven, you were there, for me. You helped me. That day after Glory beat you senseless, you told me you couldn't tell her that Dawn was the Key because you would die if I was in pain. You would die, if I was in pain. You are a poet, even after a hundred years of being the Big Bad. It was then that you proved to me that you were more than you seemed. 

So, you didn't get that soul for me, you got it for you, and that's the best gift anyone as ever given me.

  


I wanted an answer from you when I asked you to ask me why I could never love you. Mainly because I didn't know the answer. And I was so afraid to ask myself the question, I was more afraid of the answer. I was afraid to let myself love you and care for you. You were a new experience for me and I didn't know how to handle it.

I'm sorry for everything I ever said to you, every time I hit you, every bad name, every insult, I'm sorry. It's so funny. After everything we've done to each other, everything I've done to you. We're still here. I wonder if that means something.

  


Spike, you mean more to me than I ever thought possible. I know what you did in the past, and what you've done now, and what you will do. And I don't care about any of it. Because I can see you, I can see who you are. And you see me. Those moments that you look at me, you search my eyes with yours, I understand what Willow once said to me. In those moments, when you look at me, everything else fades away and for a millisecond I'm not the slayer, I'm not my sister's keeper, I'm not my friend's friend, I'm not any title that can be given. In the moment, the moment you look into me, I'm wonderful. I'm just me. 

  


I think I can finally tell you now. I was gonna tell you before, but now's as good a time as any. And I'm not just saying this because I might die tomorrow. Here it goes. I love you. I love you, Spike. 

Don't ask any questions about it either, just accept it. And if I don't die tomorrow, I'll tell you out loud. I'll tell you everyday after tomorrow. When I told you that I wasn't ready for you not to be here yet, I don't think I'll ever be ready for you not to be here, so don't go dying on me tomorrow. At least not until I get the chance to tell you. 

  


So, just in case. I love you. 

**Buffy**

  


  


  


Spike folded the letter. He didn't know how Andrew knew he was alive, and frankly didn't care. All he knew was that she loved him. He knew she wasn't lying when she had told them in the crumbling cave, but he couldn't have her dying with him. 

"Spike?" Angel's voice waft through Spike's office. 

"What?" He asked drying his eyes.

Angel stepped out of the shadows. "What are you...? Are you crying?"

"No!" Spike said. "Did you come here for a reason? Or do you feel the need to get pummeled?"

Angel chuckled. "Okay, okay William. What's up?"

"Nothing. Leave me alone." 

"You need to go to her."

"What are you talking about, Peaches?"

Angel rolled his eyes. "You know what I'm talking about. Don't make her suffer. And I won't let you. I'll knock your ass out and put you on a jet if I have to."

Spike scoffed, "Like you could." He sighed. "Do you really think I should?" Angel shrugged. "If it was me... I wouldn't."

"It's a good thing I'm not you then."

  


(Okay. So that letter was tough too. But what do you think? What do you think'll happen next? Mwahahaha) 


	12. It's Okay

**Chapter Twelve: It's Okay**

(Sorry it's been awhile. I've been busy. Like scary-busy. I don't think I've slept in three days and now I'm sitting here at Midnight because inspiration struck and I finally figured out how to finish a major part of the story. Oh, and I have two endings. One very, sappy, lovey-dovey and Spuffy and one very angst-y, sad and not so Spuffy. Tell me which you prefer. I can post both or post the more popular and send the other to whoever wants it. Review please.)

  


Faith leaned up again the frame of the door. She watched as the blonde slayer emptied out her meager underwear drawer into a small suitcase. "Lemme guess, you saved the world and now you're going to Disneyland."

Buffy didn't even turn around. She heard her sister slayer approaching before. Faith squeaky new boots gave her away. "Yeah, you want something?"

Faith stepped over Buffy's mess and stretched herself out on the bed. "Bring me back some of those Micky Mouse ears." Buffy nodded and continued with her packing. Faith rolled her eyes and sighed irritably. "What's up B? What's with the quiet?"

"Nothing," Buffy replied. She picked up a blue shirt off the floor, smelled it and tossed it in. 

Faith sat straight up. "Okay, now I know something's up."

"What?"

"You just picked up a shirt and and threw it into your bag. Now, I know I've been away for awhile, but I like to think I know you pretty well. And if memory serves, you were kind of pro good hygiene." Faith crossed her arms, waiting for an answer.

Buffy looked at the shirt in her bag. The cadet blue color, until her vision was was blurred by overwhelming tears. She picked up the shirt and threw it back onto the floor. She collapsed next to the bed. Faith crawled over to her, shoving the suitcase aside. She leaned over the side of the bed, where Buffy sat head down crying. 

"It's all right, B," let it out," she soothed.

Buffy shook her head," Not it's not. It's not all right for me to be crying like this. God what's wrong with me?"

Faith cocked an eyebrow, "You really wanna open that can of worms?" Buffy giggled despite herself. "See," Faith nudged her, "it's all right."

"But it's not. He's alive, why didn't he come and find me?"

"Beats the hell out of me. What does it matter anyways, you should go to him, he's the one who died."

Buffy held her head in her hands. "Maybe I shouldn't go. Maybe he doesn't want to see me though, that's why he hasn't come."

"And maybe he's sprouted wings and is a freakin' cherub. Come on, girlfriend, where's ball busting, my-shit-don't-stink-'cause-I'm-the-greatest-slayer Buffy?"

"She died in that cave with Spike," Buffy grumbled.

"Then you should go get her back now, because I don't know if I can take anymore of this new Buffy. She's a crybaby," Faith told her. Buffy leaned her head back and Faith sighed, "Listen, the way I see it, B, you've been given this great opporotunity. Everyone that has left in your life, has never come back. Don't give me that look, you know I'm right," Faith said after getting a death glare from the weepy one on the floor. "And now, someone that you obviously care about and I know you love, has come back. So, you have two choices," she sat up. "Choice one, go to L.A, and actually have a chance at happy or plain don't. But since I don't think I can handle Weepy Buffy, I'll knock your ass out and drag you onto the plane. So go. Go see him, go be happy. And I mean really happy, yo. Not fake happy either. You deserve this."

Buffy looked at the dark-haired slayer, well, dark with highlights-haired slayer. "Thank you."

"No sweat."

"Hey, Faith. Why didn't you write a letter?"

Faith shrugged and stretched back out on the bed. "I didn't have anyone to write to really. Besides, I knew we were all gonna make it. C'mon, it's you, B. It's always you."

"No," Buffy shook her head. "It was us.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 

Andrew stood at the head of the dinner table, Xander had purchased at a yard sale and fixed up. The blond, jumpy young man proudly surveyed the people in front of him. Dawn, Amanda and Willow chattered about some chick flick while Xander was pretending not to be interested as he rolled his eyes, Giles cleaned his glasses trying to ignore them. Faith walked in and pulled up a chair next to an empty one reserved for Buffy. 

"Can we eat now?" Dawn asked.  
"Yeah, Andrew. The food smells great," Willow told him.

"Just a minute," Andrew said taking out a stack of 3x5 notecards. 

Xander groaned audibly. "I knew this dinner had a catch."

Andrew ignored him and cleared his throat, "Ahem," he started reading slowly, "Before we begin, I just wanted to say a few words," he looked up. "Where's Buffy?"

"Oh, uh, she had to catch a plane," Faith spoke up.

"A plane? Where is she going?" Dawn asked worried.

"L.A," Faith replied.

"Why didn't she say anything?" Xander asked.

Faith shrugged, "I dunno. But Andrew was talking so, shut up." Buffy had said not to say anything until she got back. Faith met Giles' eyes and he nodded slightly.

Andrew sighed, "Well, I had this whole speech prepared for her, but I guess it can wait."

"Yes!" Xander exclaimed. He reached for a piece of garlic bread.

"But, I can tell you all the rest," Andrew continued. Xander sat back and crossed his arms over his chest, mumbling something about his stomach. "Ahem," Andrew cleared his throat again. "I just wanted to say a few words. First off, I didn't write I good-bye letter to anyone. Mainly because I was certain I was going to die and no one would care much." Everyone looked down at their empty plates embarrassed. "But it's okay and now that I'm still here, I'm able to thank you all for everything. Buffy, well, she's not here, but I wanted to tell her that I'm really glad she's the slayer and she's so cool and beautiful and to thank her for taking pity on lowly me. And Mr. Giles, thank you for always being nice to me. Dawn, you're a very sweet and sometimes scary girl." At this point the door bell rang but Andrew kept reading. "Xander, I'm so so so sorry about Anya. I still wish it was me instead of her." "Willow, for not killing me and then for being really cool. I also wanted to thank Spike," _the doorbell rang again_," he was" _doorbell_ "a true" doorbell, "champ-" _doorbell_ _doorbell_ _doorbell_. "Will someone get the door?!" 

Dawn sprung up and ran to the door to stop the persistent ringer. "Could you..." She started angrily but stopped dead. Her eyes were the size of plates and all color had drained from her face. 

"Dawn, who is it?" Willow called to the sister's little sister. "Dawn? Dawnie?" Willow came up behind her and gasped. The group stood up as a whole and rushed to the door. 

The person at the door smirked. "Hey, all. You miss me?"

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

  



	13. Miss Me Much?

Chapter Thirteen: **Miss Me Much?**

  


The crowd gaped at the all too familiar face. "Do I get an invite or are you all just gonna stand there like a bunch of buggering trout?" Spike asked.

Willow was the recover. Even so her voice was shaky. "Oh, goddess, yes. Oh, come in."

Spike smiled appreciatively and stepped over the threshold. "Nice place you have here," he commented. "Not quite Sunnyhell, though." He looked around at the people staring at him, "Bloody hell, people, would you quit?"

"We're sorry, it's just..." Xander said and gestured towards the bleached wonder, "It's you." 

Andrew flung himself at Spike hugging him tightly. "I'm so glad you're back!" 

Spike squirmed against Andrew's vice like grip. He pried the boy off, "Sod off, Andrew," he said partially embarrassed, partially disgusted.

"Guess we can rule out that he's a ghost," Amanda said trying to lighted the heavy tension in the air. 

"And the First," Xander added. "So," he eyed Spike warily, "What are you?" 

"He's human. Given a second chance in life," Andrew said in awe still smiling dreamily at Spike.

Spike rolled his eyes, "Much as I'd like to chat here about my return, there's someone I need to see first."

Dawn, who had been oddly silent ever since she opened the door, spoke up. "She left."

Spike turned to her. His blood warmed when he saw his Nibblet. She had gotten so tall since... since he had last seen her. He smiled, " 'Lo Dawn." She returned an icy glare, "Buffy went to L.A."

"Why?"

"To find you actually," Giles said removing his glasses and cleaning them. "She found out that you were alive."

"How?" Spike looked around at bewildered faces until his gaze landed on a sheepish Andrew. 

"I was cleaning the phone receiver!" He exclaimed.

Spike sighed exasperated. "Whatever. Where is she now?"

"She should be at the airport," Faith said checking her wristwatch. "HE plane don't leave for like, half an hour. 

"Right then," Spike turned to leave the faced Dawn. He leaned forward giving her a quick peck on the cheek. "I missed you, Nibblet."

Dawn's face broke into a warm grin and her blue eyes filled with tears. "You'd better go," she said. He cast a lingering gaze into her eyes and he knew she had forgiven him for everything. He nodded at everyone and left.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

  


Spike broke every speeding law as he drove to the airport in record time. HE wasn't even sure how he had remembered to get to the airport from Buffy's new house, but he did. Just like he knew where Buffy's house was when all he had received were vague directions from Peaches. He knew where she lived, he'd always know how to find her. It was like instinct, she was a beckoning light to bring him safely to shore.

He didn't even bother parking the rental car Angel has set him up with. He just drove right up to the loading area. 

"Sir, you'll have to park your car in the designated area," A young valet said running up to him.

"Tow it!" Spike yelled over his shoulder as he ran inside. His heart pounded in his chest as he glanced around. Business men and women in suits, carrying briefcases, talking on their cell phones, families with screaming children. Spike ran to the nearest information desk, shoving people aside to make his way to the front. 

"Sir, you going to have to wait in line," the receptionist told him. 

" I just need to find out what gate a plane takes off at," Spike said.

"Sir, you need to wait in line then," the pretty receptionist repeated.

"Listen, Jackie," he said reading her name tag. He gave her his best seductive, puppy dog eyes. The eyes that always worked on Buffy. "Jackie, love, please, could you tell me where gate the plane leaving from here to Los Angeles is?" She eyed him doubtfully. "You see, my girl didn't know I was coming to surprise her and now she's going to L.A thinking I'm still over there, but I'm not. I need to catch her before she gets on that plane. So, could you help a poor, lovesick fool?"

Jackie looked at him for a moment. He didn't look like a terrorist, or a stalker. In fact, he looked like a rock star, leather clad, bleached hair, dreamy accent. But it was his eyes, filled with a kind of honesty, hope and love that persuaded the girl who grew up loving romance stories. Her face softened, "All right," she tapped a few buttons on her keyboard. "The only flight leaving from Cleveland to L.A is American Airlines flight 148, gate 9."

"One four eight at gate nine," Spike repeated. "Thanks pet," he flashed her a smile and took off. Up the escalator and towards the gate, towards her. He wished he still had his vampire abilities, so he could move with lightning fast speed. It'd save a whole mess of time. Time. It'd been too long since he'd seen her. He saw her every night in his dreams, every time he closed his eyes to drown out Angel's constant droning. He saw her tear-filled eyes as she gazed up at him in the crumbling cave, saying the words he had longed to hear for almost two years. He saw her terrified face the night he tried... he couldn't even think the words or the action, he hated himself wholly for that. One of the reasons he had stayed with Angel was to figure out how to deal with his soul, with his conscience. He couldn't yet forgive himself for what he had done in the past, especially what he had done to her. Until he did, he couldn't face her, not even to see her for a moment. Because if he had seen her before now, he wouldn't have been able to look at her. 

He shook his head. All that time with Angel had made him seriously wiggy. Spike sprinted all the way to the end of the airport. Of course her gate was farthest from the information desk, the fates weren't about to make things any easier for them. He jogged up to the counter. Out of breath he demanded, "Flight 147! Where is it?"

The young man behind the counter smiled apologetically, "I'm sorry, sir, but the plane has already departed. If you've missed your flight you can resched-..." Spike slammed his fist on the counter and turned away from the young man. He had missed her. Now she was on her way to L.A, where Angel was, where he wasn't. 

Spike wanted to throw a tantrum. Throw chairs. kick things, and yell but he didn't retain the vampire strength he once had and he sort-of didn't want to cause a scene in a public place. One thing Angel had taught him while he stayed in L.A was discretion, though the poofter still thought Spike was a glory hound. 

So, instead of acting on his emotions, he clenched his fists and grumbled a slew of curses. "Augh!" He tilted his head to the ceiling and let out a roar. The young man at the counter and an old couple walking by looked at him in bewilderment. Spike didn't feel any better so he walked over to the parallel rows of chairs and flopped down on the hard seats. He seethed, mostly at himself. He should've left sooner. He should've went looking for her the moment he came back. He bent his head down and ran his hands threw his wavy hair. 

A few minutes passed, and Spike just sat there. He couldn't think of what to do next. He could either go back to Buffy's house and call Angel telling him to expect her, he liked that choice the least, or he could wait here for the next plane to Los Angeles. But he couldn't seem to bring himself to get up. Spike let a few more minutes pass by before his ears picked up the young man talking. 

"I'm sorry, miss, but flight one four seven to Los Angeles has already left," he said in that apologetic voice that reminded Spike of Andrew.

"But..." a new voice spoke up. "You don't understand I need to get to L.A. He's over there."

There was no mistaking that voice. Spike could never forget that voice even if he tried. 

"I'm really sorry, you can reschedule," the young man suggested. 

Spike stood up slowly turning to the voice. The silhouette of her body and her long blond hair, it was her. Suddenly, she stopped talking and whirled around, her hair catching and glittering in the sunlight flooding in through the windows. They stared at each other, not trusting their eyes. Spike made the first move, stepping towards her. Buffy dropped her suitcase and also started towards him. They kept walking towards each other until they were maybe twelve inches away. Buffy reached up to touch his face, caressing her fingers over his scarred eyebrow and down his sharp cheekbone. 

Spike closed his eyes, her touch sent little sparks off like explosions under his skin. When he opened his eyes, tears were sparkling in her green eyes and this time he reached out, running a crooked finger under her eyes catching a single tear. "I..." He started to speak but he couldn't think of one word to say. In an instant, she pressed her soft lips against his, kissing him. 

He pulled back, reluctantly breaking the kiss. "Miss me much?" He asked.

  


To be continued... 


End file.
